It’s been a while since my last post. I have been meaning to update here, but things haven’t been going any better really since my last post. I just didn’t want to come on here and vent, which is probably what I am going to end up doing anyway. I am just all bottled up inside. 
I did however, have an epiphany yesterday at the cemetery. Yes, a cemetery. Ever since the death of our loved one in December, we make sure we go at least once a week to visit her and bring her fresh flowers. It just so happened that there sure were a lot of funerals taking place yesterday while we were there. It just got me thinking…a lot.
Did all of these people enjoy life to the fullest? If I died tomorrow, could I say I lived a happy life? Did I accomplish everything I ever wanted to do? I can honestly say:
Absolutely not!
I know one thing I am beyond thankful for, and that is my family. I would never have it any other way with them. My husband and my girls are just perfect in my eyes. However, everything else in my life seems “off”.
For years, my husband and I gave up everything in life to work, work, and work to even try to make a dent in the debt load that we had. All of those years of trying, and we went bankrupt anyway. My husband and I wasted all of our 20′s into our 30′s trying to get from under the debt cloud that was hovering over us. All we did was put a band-aid on the situation.
We tried. I can honestly say we tried. I listened to a lot of people who told us not to file bankruptcy, that bankruptcy was the worst thing we can do. And debt settlement was a scam. Boy were they all wrong. I can’t believe we wasted so many years listening to everyone else.
When I look back now, all of those people that were so wise to tell us what not to do, were nowhere to be found when we truly needed help. There were many times I wondered how we were going to eat or pay the mortgage. How many more months could we go without getting our power or water turned off?
Pawn shops, payday loans, selling anything and everything became a way of life for us. We always made sure the kids ate and had a roof over their heads. It was hard. We did this with no help from anyone, especially those who told us we were nuts to even consider filing BK.
So anyway, enough of my rambling.
What I am getting at, over a year later I can honestly say that filing bankruptcy was the best thing that we could have done. And we missed out on so much in life because we didn’t do it sooner!
Now we are left in a predicament of cleaning up our lives afterward. I miss my house. I am sick of apartment living. I can honestly say that apartment living with kids is a joke. Since the short sale of our home, we have moved….um, 3 times, will be 4 in June. I am honestly tired of it.
As far as work, I have been holding on by a thread and don’t know how much longer I can do it. I struggle with the fact that I am one of the lucky ones who still has a job, with a boss who knows that if I don’t take his crap, there are thousands out there who would jump at the chance to.
I told myself that June was my deadline. June is only a few months away…but feels like an eternity.
So what’s up with my writing? Well, I have one client that is sending me work and keeping my busy. I am also signed up with a few companies that offer me work consistently. A few weeks ago, I did a “test” to see if I could duplicate my daily income by writing. So one day I stayed home and just wrote. I fell short and made a little over half my income for the day. I wrote quite well, but apparently I am not that efficient in my writing. To make it short, I am a perfectionist that sweats over details. So a quick “snippet” that should only take me 30 minutes or so takes me twice the time or longer.
I really have to work on that. I know once I do, I will be alright.
The last thing that has me depressed the most… is my weight. Over the years, I noticed my husband and I gained some weight. Well, I weighed myself and cried. I am not talking just gaining 10 or 15 pounds. I am talking over 50!
I gained over 50 pounds! I was so disgusted when I seen it. My husband gained, but not as bad as I did. Besides, he’s a guy who doesn’t show it as bad either. Between the debt and my job–I am surprised I don’t weigh over 500 pounds!
I know why I have gained weight and I know why I feel there are a few things that are “off” in my life. I am working hard to correct them. It’s hard.
But as I was sitting there in the cemetery yesterday, I made a promise to myself to stop obsessing over things. I just need to make some changes.
- June we move out of this dump apartment complex.
- Stick to a healthy eating regimen and get moving so that I will not only be a thinner and happier person, but a healthier person too.
- Work on writing more efficiently so I can transition as soon as possible to writing full-time.
I really need to stick to this and not just talk about it. Clearing up these 3 areas of my life will help me live life to the fullest—the way life should be lived.
I’m sorry to hear your feeling down and what I would call a “funk”. I was feeling sort of that way last year..sort of stuck in a rut. Don’t forget how far you and your family have come in just a few short years. This to will pass. I have been dealing with some long work days, 12 – 15 hours and eating so badly, but a few nights a week on the really bad days I went and did a little 30 minute workout, I felt sooooo much better! It’s amazing what a walk or jump on a bike or even some dancing does for your mood. Today was another long day, after dinner I asked my husband to go for a walk, it was alittle chilly but it cleared my head, stopped my mind from going a million miles an hour, and I felt like I got to stop and enjoy a bit of fresh air. Sometimes the little things are what gets you through. Just like finance we have to work at it, and make small changes that will eventually add up to some big changes. It’s hard, I struggle with it daily (love my sweets!) but you have gotten through so much already, you can do this. I also love my lists, so maybe make a April list, May list and June list. April week 1 – spend 3 – 30 min sessions working on writing, and 3 – 30 min walks. Something like that, something you can cross off each week, makes me feel like I accomplish something, and I feel like I made progress.
You will get through this, after all you have been through, your a tough woman, and I see you getting everything you want.
Wish you luck!
J
Thank you so much J! You always give me great advice. Lists are a great idea. I really do need to get out of this “funk”. I went for a very long walk last night and did a whole lotta thinking…
I realize my family has come a long way in the past several years and I really need to be grateful for that and for what we have now. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t see a homeless person or hear a story of a family living on the streets–people that are in a much worse place than I am right now. I don’t have much, but I have a whole lot more than many people right now.
I think that is why I get even more upset at myself for feeling this way. It’s like “snap out of it already!”
I tell ya, that is exactly what I am going to do. Again, this weekend I was also reminded of another thing–life is short.
All the traveling and long days you are putting in, I applaud you! It sounds like you are doing what you love and are making progress with your goals. You have always been an inspiration.
Well, it is time to go make some lists and stick to some goals for the day.
Hey just checking in! It has been tough, being so busy, today this afternoon I sort of took a mental afternoon off! Don’t tell anyone though! Tomorrow back at it, I have some big projects I need to get done. I did work out last night though, went with a friend to a class and felt pretty good. So a bad day then a good day, we’ll both make it! : )
sorry to hear about your friend.
It’s good to hear that bankruptcy was the right decision for you and your family, there is so much pressure on people to keep going sometimes! I hope the writing work picks up, have you tried using dragon naturually speaking? the lastest version is pretty good once you train it.
Hi Louise!
I am glad to see you are back. I hope all is well! I actually have been reading reviews on the dragon naturally speaking. I am highly considering it–especially now that you are giving it kudos. If it works the way I want it to, it will make things a whole lot easier and profitable!